18 April 2008

what are your winning numbers?

You know, I'm always reading about lottery winners who say that they're going to keep their job at the plant or Wal-Mart, even though they're now a gazillionaire, simply because they like working. I would totally not ever say that. I hate working. I mean, don't get me wrong, I believe in being productive or whatever, but I am first and foremost a lazy person, and there's no way I'd work if I didn't have to. I'd much rather spend my time lounging in bed, reading Jane Austen and dreaming of Messers Darcy and Knightly than getting up at six am and fighting traffic to get to work. Also, if I won Mega-Millions, I'd probably be rich enough to afford to pay Colin Firth and Jeremy Northam to come act out their roles in my living room. That would be the best Masterpiece Theatre ever.

But, actually, if I had all the money in the world (or a good chunk of it), I know exactly what I'd do. First I'd quit my job, because as much as I enjoy my new job, it still requires me to get up really early in the morning and make a passable attempt at dressing like someone who didn't find today's clothes shoved under her bed. Also, I don't think flourescent lights are particularly flattering to my complexion. After I quit my job (making sure not to burn my bridges, of course, because despite my deep and abiding affection for math, I have dyscalculia, and it's caused me these sorts of trouble before), I'd donate twenty percent of my winnings to various local charities in and around Texas and the Gulf Coast. I'd do a few standard charities, like the Red Cross, or whatever, but most of them would be really strange, out-there charities, like United Effort To Tip Sonic Workers (cause I always feel guilty that Sonic workers don't make more money. I mean, shouldn't we be rewarding those wonderful people who walk our Route 44 Strawberry Limeades out to the car with cold hard cash? I think so.). Or something.

Oh, also, I'd donate however much money as is necessary to the University of Texas at Austin so that there would be the Erin Curtis School of Anthropology. Take THAT, Red McCombs!

After I'd taken care of my community in the financial sense, I'd start on my family. I'd buy my parents one of those ugly McMansions that my mother seems so fond of, with a shed out back for my dad's ammo-making equipment, and plenty of spare rooms and extra wings so that they can avoid each other when they're having one of their fights about what brand of cat food to purchase. I'd set my brother up with a V. SMALL trust fund so as to pay for the rest of his education, and maybe I'd buy him a car or something, but that would be it, because my brother would totally become a trust fund kid, doing lines of blow off LiLo's back. And of course I'd set up a trust fund for m'elle, but with the rules that it couldn't be accessible for anything other than education costs until she turns 35. Cause obvs I want her to have a good head on her shoulders and this would also ensure that she had several post-graduate degrees. I might also buy her a pony.

Then I'd buy several houses in several locations throughout the world, both for the good investments and because they'd be good places to crash when I get the urge to travel. I would buy a private jet so that I don't have to be crammed into coach class on long flights, but then I run the risk of being That Person With The Jet In Her Backyard, like John Travolta. No, thanks. Plus, I'll be a gazillionaire, so I can afford to fly first-class. And I'd fill up all my houses with things I see in catalogs, because I am a White Person, and white people love catalogs.

After I've done all that (and had a shopping spree at H&M. Can you imagine how much clothes you could buy with three thousand dollars at H&M? You could buy out the store!), I'd get to work on actually doing some work. Most notably, I'd implement my dream of owning a bookstore that's actually just a converted house in the Village (um, Rice. Not New York.), where every room was decorated just like a home and held a different genre of books. This would soothe both my love of reading and my obsessive-compulsive need to have everything in my life assigned to a certain place. And I'd serve wine and whiskey in the evenings, so that people could curl up in a cozy armchair by the fire (let's pretend I'd have donated enough money to the global warming-reversal effort as to make it actually cold in Texas) and spend a few hours living in someone else's world. Plus, I'd have tons of book clubs, because I love the idea of book clubs, but have never had the courage to actually join one.

And then, with the five bucks I'd have left over, I'd buy myself a sandwich.

Today's Friday, and we could all use a little escape before the weekend officially begins, so tell me: what would you do if an enormous pile of money fell in your lap? And, subquestion: would you buy me a sandwich?

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

But what would you buy ME, Erin? What about ME? If you win the lottery, please buy me the complete set of X-Files and also the complete Jane Austen DVD library, EVERY version of every movie. kplzthxbye.

If I win the lottery, I will obviously buy the above (for you, too, Erin), and donate a sizeable chunk to charities I care about, like the Trevor Project and the environment. (Dear Earth, here's a mil. LYLAS, Meredith.)

I'd pay off my parents' already fantastic retirement house, and pay off all of my siblings various credit card debts and school loans and buy everyone great (hybrid, whether they want it or not) cars and take everyone on trips. I would also start up a trust fund for M'elle, but it would be solely for bacon purposes.

I'd take different groups of friends on different AWESOME vacays, so everyone gets treated but no trip has like 50 people, b/c that's more exhausting than fun.

I'd buy houses in the following places: coastal Maine, Pacific NW, and rural Italy. Condos in San Fran, NOLA, and some totally random place where no one could find me and I could hide away to write. I'd also buy a bunch of land and make a B&B there, and have goats, a pig, cows (I LOVE COWS), 2 dogs, 2 cats, and a monkey to visit when I'm tired of the city. Oh and I'd learn how to hawk, like the verb of training a hawk with a little leather helmet. And I'd name her Isabeau after Michelle Pfeiffer in Ladyhawke. And I'd take a year just to learn to surf.

I'd build a bumper car arena that uses old VW Beetles as the bumper cars. I would of course completely fund Matt's brewpub (as well as his shoe addiction), and I would start a straight-to-vid horror movie production company. And in my main house (haven't decided where that would be, probably Portland), I'd have the most amazing home theater ever. Like, it would be exactly like an old theater, and behind all the red curtains would be endless rows and rows of DVDs (alphabetized by genre), and all the chairs would be La-Z-Boys, the kind with a small cooler in the armrest.

I would have a library EXACTLY like the one in Beauty and the Beast, filled with first editions and signed copies of every book ever written. And I'd have the hugest, most incredible bathroom with a giant Jacuzzi tub with a TV mounted on the wall opposite of my head, so I could watch Buffy eps as I soak, which I currently do anyway via a very dangerous Margot Tenenbaum set-up w/ my laptop.

I've thought about this before.

Anonymous said...

uh, the above was Meredith. It's making me post as anonymous. Haha, like you couldn't tell it was I, though.

Erin said...

What's funny is that I was reading the first paragraph thinking, "damn, i have ANOTHER friend who wants TXF and Jane Austen?" I would OF COURSE buy you those things, as well as every Buffy action figure so that you could put on little plays.

All your plans are very good plans. I was going to talk about my Independantly Wealthy Bathroom Plan but space was limited and also someone at work teh other day stared at me like I was a mutant when I started talking about the mini-fridge where I'd keep the splits of champagne.

poshdeluxe said...

ahh, i LOVE this kind of dream game. it's like the grown-up form of MASH, except you get to choose yr own fate instead of letting a random swirl count do it for you.

first of all, erin, i LOVE yr book store idea, so i really hope you win the lottery, *maybe* even more than i hope i win it. cos i don't have as many specific ideas as you or meredith. then again, that's probably why the idea of finding a new job this summer is terrifying me.

ANYWAY

ok, so i'd definitely buy my parents a new house, with a massive garage for my dad's bike habit and a gorgeous garden for my mom.

i'd also buy an amazing trip for my uncle scott, like a totally cool hot air balloon ride or something.

in terms of trust funds, i'd totally set one up for dessiree, but it would be for education and job stuff only. gah, that would be so great.

then i'd buy a passenger train, and totally deck it out old school rich, like agatha christie style. and i'd use it to tour countries (yes, i would ship it over oceans, cos that's, like, pocket change)and whenever my friends were free they could join me and we'd stop at any station we wanted to and otherwise we'd spend the nights playing cards and sipping on whiskey and having dance parties. i really, really, REALLY want my own train. the posh deluxe express!

also i want a hedge maze. i've always wanted one, since i was a little girl. that and a classy royal-type garden, so i could have lush garden parties and masquerade balls where people duck into the maze for romance and intrigue.

they say money doesn't buy happiness, but i'm *pretty sure* that all of these things would make me as close to happy as a person can be.

Anonymous said...

EEEEE yes Buffy action figures. I'll make stop-action movies!!

Ooh, can I borrow your mini-fridge idea, Erin? Also, don't forget your Fair Fare restaurant!

Erin said...

Sarah, you're right! It totally IS just like Adult Mash! When do I get to marry Neil Patrick Harris and live in a Mansion and have 8 kids, though? (why did I always get stuck having 8 kids?)

When I open my book store, you'll have an account, so you can just breeze in and take whatever you want. But only if you lead one of the book clubs, okay? You can pick which books you want to cover.

I LOVE hedge mazes! I've always wanted a walled garden, like in The Secret Garden, with a swing which hopefully no one would fall off of and die.

Also, I love your train idea. It'd be like we were the Boxcar Children, but even MORE amazing, because there'd be booze involved.

mere, I'll never forget about Fair Fare! I've really got to start trying out the recipes that will be on the menu. I mean, how am I going to update cotton candy?

(If readers don't know, Fair Fare is the restaurant I'm going to open which will only serve carnival food. Funnel cakes, sausage on a stick, roasted turkey legs, etc. I predict it will be very popular among college students and pregnant women.)

Caitlin said...

Yeah - all that charity stuff sounds really good and nice and all - but if I WON that much money - I'm def going to be super greedy about it. Sure I'd invest some, and sure I'd hook my dad up with a sweet place to live (mainly so he doesn't move to Austin) and I'd put some money in a trust fund for my brother because lord knows he is not making through college to get a decent job... BUT

I would open a 24 hour thai food restaurant/coffeeshop - this has been a dream of mine because (A) I love thai food and (B) I love coffee and sometimes you need late night places to just go and hang/study

I would buy a sweet house, with a huge tv, and lots of swanky art and classy furniture so I could increase my rich hipster status ten fold and have fancy parties when all of my new friends (who are just friends because I'm super rich - but whatever) get dressed up and come play with me

I would also invest in a bar of some sort - like a dancey bar - so I could get free drinks and dance whenever I want and also make more money

Basically - I would invest in various businesses so that I wouldn't have to pay for food, alcohol, or fun for a very long time and STILL get paid for doing it.

And duh - I would buy everyone sandwiches - for life - need a sandwich? Just ask!

Erin said...

Caitlin, the idea of a 24-hour thai place sounds like the best kind of charity to me! The charity called "it's two am and erin can't sleep and wants some damn noodles."

Can we be your hangers-on when you get super rich? I'd like free food and drinks, too.

brianna socially awkward said...

I would probably buy a really fucking nice flat in London. And a place in Los Angeles. And pay off all my parents debt and my cousins surgery and schooling. Then I would buy a venue and proceed to put on the best shows ever. Forever. and the rest is for clothes to be fabulous. And for going to millions of gigs forever. And buy 50 cats. Because I am destined to be the weird old lady at gigs who is well dressed but you suspect may be a lonely old maid with 20 cats. But instead, I will have 50.

Moody said...

I guess it was bound to happen. I too had an idea for a restaurant dealing with only foods found at festivals. I was going to make it at the food court in the mall. And call it Karnival Kitchen. Of course now I think Festival Food would work as well. And to Meredith keep an eye at Fry's and Amazon.com for The X-Files I bought every season for 19.99 at different intervals when they were on sale. As for me and my millions I would do whatever I wanted to do. Take a trip to Vancouver, BC to see them film Smallville? Sure. Go to L.A. and be an actor. Hell I would just pay for my own movie. Say I did it and never have to do it again. Of course with the millions of dollars I could finally afford the women who have put me through a credit check before they decided they couldn't date me. I'd then go out with them anyway out of spite. I'd pay off my car and by a hybrid. Pay off all of my families debts. And at the end of the year I would pay my taxes.

Moody said...

*buy

Erin said...

moody, perhaps we can be partners on the Fair Fare/Kitchen Karnival idea. Because the idea of holding it in the mall's food court is pretty freaking good.

Brianna, I want front row at every show. Actually, can I be the bouncer? I love acting like I could possibly be intimidating.

Moody said...

Now if only we could win the lottery.

Meredith said...

Moody, squeee! I love Smallville! I thought you were a closet fan when you referenced Tom Welling the other day. I get so excited to find other (adult) fans, as we are few and far between.